Stagnation..

Stagnation without relaxation. That's how my game is going. I'm down 5 buy ins (pretty much even) for 2 weeks or so. Lot of stress involved as well. I play an sng style that is aggressive and prone to swings. When I stay even I get restless and tend to make plays 4 handed or five handed. My bluffs have panned out and I feel I have almost willed myself to break even considering how the cards have fallen lately. So I am actually happy with my play to have only been down 5 buy ins with my bad luck. My nerves get somewhat worn though. I work part-time at a job I hate, and I play poker part-time to supplement my income. The poker is mentally draining and not too enjoybale anymore, but I make more money playing poker than at my dead end job that I hate. The two work togehter to make a modest, at best, income. I decided a part time job would be a good idea as safety net- the guarnateed income. As I move up in stakes I will make more playing poker, provided I can beat those stakes, and make a decent income. That's what I'm aiming for and have been aiming for since I started with $2. What a fuckin grind though.

here's the song of the month btw.\

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uBEG_LArTQ

This is a great group- tatu.
Have always been a huge fan and the builup for this song is greta.
The lyrics are gold as well.

I strongly suggest you copy and paste the link. I don't do a standard link cuz I don't wnat my blog to be linked up to youtube. Between you and me I would actually not like a huge following for my blog or to be too visible. I move in the shadows, quiet as a flame.

Not doing great, I am experiencing depression but it is not depbilitating. sometimes I really have to push myself to get through the day. If I give in to the depression that will mean I simply go to sleep and miss work and not play poker and miss any other obligations I have for the day. I have not done this and I have grinded my way through another week. I have gotten to the point where I can manage my depression and not let it disrupt my life, as it did before, because I have grown more accustomed to the feeling and have been able to cope with it better with time.

when I was younger the depression would scare me. I would worry the depression would never go away and the feeling would be new to me. It would be shocking, horrible, and deflating. A sense of panic would rise in me and I would ask myself 'will this ever go away'? So with experience I know that it does go away, and the only way to beat depression is to fight it. There is however a great sense of failure when I look at my life. But I have to remember, as my therapist told me, I was dealt a bad hand with my schizoaffective disorder, and have actually done better than most with my diagnosis and have handled it very well.

There are times i take pleasure in my own psychic pain. It sounds strange, but soetimes I am glad my life is not a walk in the park. Akmost as if my feelings of despair and hopelessness are only natural repsonses to life. There are times when I almost take on my misery and challenge myself. Can I do this or do that when I feel like this. Trudging through life and doing everything that is expected of me even when I feel horrible, it has become somewhat of a challenge. A challenge I have come to enjoy. Sounds a little starnge, maybe doesn't make much sense, but that's where I am right now.