http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS4pOZ42-n8
Life, it's what happens when you wake up and every week
is a snowman. It's been six months now since I have been back to my apartment.
Before that I was away 9 months at psych rehab, a halfway house although in
my case it was just a safe house. This is how I have used halfway houses in the past. Just to live
there temporarily until I get my mind back.
A lot of people use halfway houses as such, not everyone is there forever. And before that
I was in a ward for a month. So I was away for a year. No poker was played in this time
obviously. In my previous post I called myself a grinder and I was before my recent
meltdown, but I'm not a grinder anymore. Being lucky to put in 15 hours in per week it's
become a hobby. The goal is to put in at least 20 hours per week from now on. would much
rather just sit back with a 40 and watch the Celtics though (who are the sickest this year)
I have obligations 15 hours a week and there is less time since my semi-pro days. Free time
has a negative connotation, but to me free time means having more of life than someone who
works 40 hours a week. Having friends can be a qualification to having a life as well. Just a
by-product of our society. A lot of people choose to be alone. Just because you have a bunch of
friends and that doesn't mean you have to throw it into people's faces. How ridiculous and
juvenile. And people have to stop beeping their horns so much. There is so much impatience
out there its insane. Seriously if someone takes an extra second to start up on a greenlight,there
is no need to beep your horn. That's my communication to the outside world for now.
I quit smoking. It has been 5 weeks and two days now. Been smoking 10 years. I am however
snussing. Don't know what it is? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05q6Cr5LRig
Might be getting a couple kittens form the shelter too. Haven't figured out where to put the fish
though so that the kittens won't eat her. My goldfish's name is "jesta" And yes I talk to her.
Gonna go now and watch some football. Patriots are on at 4, but I usually watch the other
games too. Or maybe I'll go piss off a bunch of people on an Internet forum. Maybe both.
Finally, In order to get some of these corrupt regressive elements out of our
government one of the things that will help is breaking up the monopoly the democrats and
republicans hold on our government. There are other options out there, different ideas and
opposing viewpoints. The public should be made more aware of them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4FYBWEQlso
I've voted third party before and was well aware of the candidates this past election, but still
voted Obama. Libertarianism, untethered capitalism, would be a disaster at this point in our
countries state affairs. Never been a fan of libertarianism.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
marble's jarble
song of the month
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KZ0Wlwsgjs
One thing I can't stand is people who think someone experiencing a deep depression is just making it up,
being lazy, or looking for attention. When you feel an emptiness so deep that you are just a part of the scenery-
There is a chair in the room, a clothes drawer, a desk, a bed, a body on the bed, just another object in the room,
but detached, hopeless and paralyzed with misery. And if you have to get up and move to go to the bathroom or something
it is like walking through a swamp. That's not needy or a made up, it's a genuine disease of the brain.
So if someone was so callous and shallow as to say 'get over it' it would make things much more
difficult. When a person is very sick the empathy and caring from others is one thing that
helps. A bout of depression is more than
just a bad day. I've had bad days too. There is stress, your tired, maybe a little
cranky- but deep depression is more than just a bad day.
If someone near to you is suffering from a mental illness
and is symptomatic- try to do some research on the matter and then you could be more empathetic knowing what the person
is going through. At least be caring as if the person is physically sick and needs some help accomplishing daily
tasks. People with mental-illness tend to isolate from society as it is. Even when they are not symptomatic. It means
a lot to have people there for them when the darkness has set in and they are forced to isolate further.
And this is just when someone is going through depression (and has a professional diagnosis).
It becomes harder for people to relate to someone who is hallucinating and hearing voices in their head.
I challenge anyone to say this person is just having a bad day. Or that this should not be considered
a real disease.
In my case, being schitzoaffective, I have experienced long and deep depressions, delusions (thought for sure i was being poisoned
through my air-conditioner, and the tap water in my apartment)
It was the middle of the summer, but for a couple weeks I could not turn the AC on. I was buying bottled water
from the grocery store or I would go to the park and fill up a jug at the water fountain (cheaper that way). Couldn't bathe et. cetra.
I thought it was The Kremlin behind this. No longer functioning normally I stopped
taking my medication and that was the last straw. The paranoia turned to panic with all sorts of crazy nightmarish shit going through
my head. Eventually I had to be hospitalized as has
happened before too many times. I think the worst delusional episode I had though was that I was dead and was a ghost. I was eternally
roaming the earth from here on through and the only way to escape was a second death by unnatural means (a bullet through the heart for
instance). This could have very easily lead to a suicide if I had not disclosed my revelation to my therapist who immediately had me
committed to a ward. The delusion slowly wore off, and when returning to my right mind I wondered, wow how could my mind trick me like
that? How fucked am I? And why do I always get tricked into thinking these delusions are true when I normally function perfectly
normally? I was horribly depressed during that time as well. I felt a sense of panic too that this why my hell-to roam the earth
forever and be horribly depressed. When in a clinically depressed state, the word that sparks the most fear is eternal. My mental
illness has caused a viscous cycle that has made me lose promising jobs, drop out of college twice, and generally putting up roadblocks
in my life.
I mentioned in my first entry i was put in a criminally insane ward. This sounds worse than it was. These
were just people who committed semi-violent crimes like robbing a store, or minor assault who had a history of
mental illness or whatever and they were put here to wait for trial. There were no murderers. I myself
was in there for vandalism. This was about 5 years ago and I thought I was in a modernized superimposition of Rome
and started smashing some car windshields with a billy club -to spark a revolt against roman rule- then took out a large pane of glass
at a bar.
This was like an entire wall of glass. I have always found the worst thing about my illness though
is the depression. When I succumb to the depression, when it sets in it is the worst state of mind ever. It's hard to explain what I
go through during a depression. it has always been semi-impossible for depression suffers to translate their experience into words.
You may think I am totally off my rocker having read this, but I am a perfectly sane
person most of the time. Mild depression comes and goes like passing clouds and the mental illness will not go away. But the majority
of the time
I am not experiencing any of the psychotic symptoms and I function perfectly well in society.
But the illness is always there in the background waiting to swallow me up and that's disconcerting. But I have
found a good mix of medication that is helping prevent depression and psychosis. Have a good therapist too,
and a supportive, but somewhat distant family to fall back on. The fact that the medication helps me so much has convinced me that
this is
all just chemicals in my head being deficient in some parts and overactive in others. My psychiatrist and therapist
have always said this and now I too believe it is true. It is nature, not nurture.
Hope I didn't depress you. just introducing myself and my situation.
currently I'm on SSDI. I get $600/month. I can't make anymore than $800/month on top of this.
People say, great deal free money form the government. But it's not a good deal, it sucks.
Sure it's a steady, reliable $600/month, but I can't make more than $17K a year. So it's
something I want to get off of eventually.
I played semi-professional poker for a while which cover my bills and living expenses. My rent was paid in half by an investment I
had cashed out of (a private restaurant) and the other half of my rent was paid my dad. I ended up cashing put my poker balance,
which was like 15K to procure a half years rent. I then put in like $2 and have moved my bankroll up to about $700. I can make as
much money playing poker as possible, but can't cash out more than when I am able to by SSDI rules. So basically I have been using my
pokerstras account as a kind of CD. It's better investment than any type of stock b/c it is within my control and a sure bet to make money over time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KZ0Wlwsgjs
One thing I can't stand is people who think someone experiencing a deep depression is just making it up,
being lazy, or looking for attention. When you feel an emptiness so deep that you are just a part of the scenery-
There is a chair in the room, a clothes drawer, a desk, a bed, a body on the bed, just another object in the room,
but detached, hopeless and paralyzed with misery. And if you have to get up and move to go to the bathroom or something
it is like walking through a swamp. That's not needy or a made up, it's a genuine disease of the brain.
So if someone was so callous and shallow as to say 'get over it' it would make things much more
difficult. When a person is very sick the empathy and caring from others is one thing that
helps. A bout of depression is more than
just a bad day. I've had bad days too. There is stress, your tired, maybe a little
cranky- but deep depression is more than just a bad day.
If someone near to you is suffering from a mental illness
and is symptomatic- try to do some research on the matter and then you could be more empathetic knowing what the person
is going through. At least be caring as if the person is physically sick and needs some help accomplishing daily
tasks. People with mental-illness tend to isolate from society as it is. Even when they are not symptomatic. It means
a lot to have people there for them when the darkness has set in and they are forced to isolate further.
And this is just when someone is going through depression (and has a professional diagnosis).
It becomes harder for people to relate to someone who is hallucinating and hearing voices in their head.
I challenge anyone to say this person is just having a bad day. Or that this should not be considered
a real disease.
In my case, being schitzoaffective, I have experienced long and deep depressions, delusions (thought for sure i was being poisoned
through my air-conditioner, and the tap water in my apartment)
It was the middle of the summer, but for a couple weeks I could not turn the AC on. I was buying bottled water
from the grocery store or I would go to the park and fill up a jug at the water fountain (cheaper that way). Couldn't bathe et. cetra.
I thought it was The Kremlin behind this. No longer functioning normally I stopped
taking my medication and that was the last straw. The paranoia turned to panic with all sorts of crazy nightmarish shit going through
my head. Eventually I had to be hospitalized as has
happened before too many times. I think the worst delusional episode I had though was that I was dead and was a ghost. I was eternally
roaming the earth from here on through and the only way to escape was a second death by unnatural means (a bullet through the heart for
instance). This could have very easily lead to a suicide if I had not disclosed my revelation to my therapist who immediately had me
committed to a ward. The delusion slowly wore off, and when returning to my right mind I wondered, wow how could my mind trick me like
that? How fucked am I? And why do I always get tricked into thinking these delusions are true when I normally function perfectly
normally? I was horribly depressed during that time as well. I felt a sense of panic too that this why my hell-to roam the earth
forever and be horribly depressed. When in a clinically depressed state, the word that sparks the most fear is eternal. My mental
illness has caused a viscous cycle that has made me lose promising jobs, drop out of college twice, and generally putting up roadblocks
in my life.
I mentioned in my first entry i was put in a criminally insane ward. This sounds worse than it was. These
were just people who committed semi-violent crimes like robbing a store, or minor assault who had a history of
mental illness or whatever and they were put here to wait for trial. There were no murderers. I myself
was in there for vandalism. This was about 5 years ago and I thought I was in a modernized superimposition of Rome
and started smashing some car windshields with a billy club -to spark a revolt against roman rule- then took out a large pane of glass
at a bar.
This was like an entire wall of glass. I have always found the worst thing about my illness though
is the depression. When I succumb to the depression, when it sets in it is the worst state of mind ever. It's hard to explain what I
go through during a depression. it has always been semi-impossible for depression suffers to translate their experience into words.
You may think I am totally off my rocker having read this, but I am a perfectly sane
person most of the time. Mild depression comes and goes like passing clouds and the mental illness will not go away. But the majority
of the time
I am not experiencing any of the psychotic symptoms and I function perfectly well in society.
But the illness is always there in the background waiting to swallow me up and that's disconcerting. But I have
found a good mix of medication that is helping prevent depression and psychosis. Have a good therapist too,
and a supportive, but somewhat distant family to fall back on. The fact that the medication helps me so much has convinced me that
this is
all just chemicals in my head being deficient in some parts and overactive in others. My psychiatrist and therapist
have always said this and now I too believe it is true. It is nature, not nurture.
Hope I didn't depress you. just introducing myself and my situation.
currently I'm on SSDI. I get $600/month. I can't make anymore than $800/month on top of this.
People say, great deal free money form the government. But it's not a good deal, it sucks.
Sure it's a steady, reliable $600/month, but I can't make more than $17K a year. So it's
something I want to get off of eventually.
I played semi-professional poker for a while which cover my bills and living expenses. My rent was paid in half by an investment I
had cashed out of (a private restaurant) and the other half of my rent was paid my dad. I ended up cashing put my poker balance,
which was like 15K to procure a half years rent. I then put in like $2 and have moved my bankroll up to about $700. I can make as
much money playing poker as possible, but can't cash out more than when I am able to by SSDI rules. So basically I have been using my
pokerstras account as a kind of CD. It's better investment than any type of stock b/c it is within my control and a sure bet to make money over time.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Lit Valley
Not doin too much. My goldfish is about two years old now. The secret to keeping a goldfish healthy is to not feed it too much. Just half a pinch and skip a couple nights a week without food. along with minimizing exposure to light. And of course, change the water once every two weeks.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Welcome
"duval76 is one of, if not the best sng player in the world."
-Anonymous
OK, so here's my blog.
The other day I saw an article in my local paper in glaring bold type and an exclamation point saying Loonies plot to kill Obama.
I am not one to be a PC tight ass, but this headline made me decide today that I need to start a blog and vent my frustrations
with the word crazy, some nutjobs, loonies or whatever. with this particular case there were
two skinheads or something who were busted by the feds for an alleged plot to kill Obama. The fact of the matter is that
neither of these alleged assassins had any sort of mental disorder, the problem with these people is that they are Dumb, Ignorant,
and hateful. And I think the media is letting dumb, mean-spirited people off the hook and the blame is put on the mentally ill
people. And yes, it is mentally ill people who are targeted here. What other group of people could they be referring to when the use
of the word loony or nut jobs. or crazies? It's something I see again and again in the media, usually the trashy shit, and then of
course the mass public mind absorbs this and the whole stigma of mentally ill people is re-enforced. Again, this was a stupid, ignorant
, hateful person problem, but I guess if this particular paper were to say dumb people plot to kill obama it would be offensive
to the general public as hitting to close to home. The majority of violent crimes are not committed by the mentally ill.
Mentally ill people do not abuse children and animals or rob banks. These crimes are committed most often by perfectly sane people.
The thing is with crazy people there are different categories of crazy (I will use the mentally ill for now on) There is
a subset of mental illness called psychopathy, and yes this is a mental disorder and these people do commit hideous crimes.
But there is a whole range of mental disorders, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia. These people are not dangerous.
Every now and then you will hear about a murder and at the end of the story the article will mention the suspect suffered
from bipolar. Yes, well we don't hear that the suspect may have had diabetes or red hair, or was a smoker. ( Although with bipolar or
schizophrenia, a person may perceive a threat that was not there and committed a murder, this does happen but only rarely
form a person in the midst of a psychotic episode.
These stories continue to re-enforce the notion that the mentally ill are dangerous loose cannons and nothing could be further from
the truth.
This headline was the final straw for me after I read an article last week on cnn, that the Vatican will begin psych tests
on future priests. This stems from the prolific rate of sexual abuse by priests. These priests were not mentally ill
they were perverted. Sometimes a person will claim a phantom mental illness after a crime to get an easier sentence. Again, this unrightly
puts the term mentally ill in conjunction with crime.
So I decided I would after all do this blog about me and my struggles with mental illness. I am an authority to talk on this
subject as someone who has endured the most horrific and rarely ecstatic symptoms have a mental illness. I'm 29 and have struggled
since i was 16. Been to many lock down wards, brief stays at halfway houses, and most recently a long stay at psych rehabilitation program after
a particularly ugly meltdown that happened last year. But the people I have met are nice people for the most part.
I guess it's the valuable human qualities I have seen in others who struggle with mental illness (not necessarily myself) that
have made me decide to voice my struggle and do my part to erase the stigma associated with mental illness. The quality I
have seen with many of these people in my forays at institutions is a magnified sensitivity. I will elaborate more on this
cuz that was kind of vague, but this entry is already becoming long. I myself have been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder.
Luckily, there is some money in my family and I have received the best treatment money can buy. Except for one time when I was
sent to a ward for the criminally insane (see they have a separate name for this type of insane) so yeah these people did have a violent
past. In a nutshell, I hope that maybe I can help some people out who suffer with mental illness. I have always found if I am
in a deep, long depression the best thing i can do to help me feel better is 1) play with a dog and 2) read about someones
experience. So I figured I would return the favor. I've been through the ringer and I have developed some great coping strategies.
Of course, this blog will inculde other topics like poker (particularly the sng grinder life-as you can see from the quote up there
I'm really fucking good) so some poker advice, commentary on things that annoy me, my life has been one giant shattered piece
of glass and a trail of incinerated bridges, so auto biographical material as well, and just updates on my life. It will be a good blog.
I promise.
-duval76
-Anonymous
OK, so here's my blog.
The other day I saw an article in my local paper in glaring bold type and an exclamation point saying Loonies plot to kill Obama.
I am not one to be a PC tight ass, but this headline made me decide today that I need to start a blog and vent my frustrations
with the word crazy, some nutjobs, loonies or whatever. with this particular case there were
two skinheads or something who were busted by the feds for an alleged plot to kill Obama. The fact of the matter is that
neither of these alleged assassins had any sort of mental disorder, the problem with these people is that they are Dumb, Ignorant,
and hateful. And I think the media is letting dumb, mean-spirited people off the hook and the blame is put on the mentally ill
people. And yes, it is mentally ill people who are targeted here. What other group of people could they be referring to when the use
of the word loony or nut jobs. or crazies? It's something I see again and again in the media, usually the trashy shit, and then of
course the mass public mind absorbs this and the whole stigma of mentally ill people is re-enforced. Again, this was a stupid, ignorant
, hateful person problem, but I guess if this particular paper were to say dumb people plot to kill obama it would be offensive
to the general public as hitting to close to home. The majority of violent crimes are not committed by the mentally ill.
Mentally ill people do not abuse children and animals or rob banks. These crimes are committed most often by perfectly sane people.
The thing is with crazy people there are different categories of crazy (I will use the mentally ill for now on) There is
a subset of mental illness called psychopathy, and yes this is a mental disorder and these people do commit hideous crimes.
But there is a whole range of mental disorders, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia. These people are not dangerous.
Every now and then you will hear about a murder and at the end of the story the article will mention the suspect suffered
from bipolar. Yes, well we don't hear that the suspect may have had diabetes or red hair, or was a smoker. ( Although with bipolar or
schizophrenia, a person may perceive a threat that was not there and committed a murder, this does happen but only rarely
form a person in the midst of a psychotic episode.
These stories continue to re-enforce the notion that the mentally ill are dangerous loose cannons and nothing could be further from
the truth.
This headline was the final straw for me after I read an article last week on cnn, that the Vatican will begin psych tests
on future priests. This stems from the prolific rate of sexual abuse by priests. These priests were not mentally ill
they were perverted. Sometimes a person will claim a phantom mental illness after a crime to get an easier sentence. Again, this unrightly
puts the term mentally ill in conjunction with crime.
So I decided I would after all do this blog about me and my struggles with mental illness. I am an authority to talk on this
subject as someone who has endured the most horrific and rarely ecstatic symptoms have a mental illness. I'm 29 and have struggled
since i was 16. Been to many lock down wards, brief stays at halfway houses, and most recently a long stay at psych rehabilitation program after
a particularly ugly meltdown that happened last year. But the people I have met are nice people for the most part.
I guess it's the valuable human qualities I have seen in others who struggle with mental illness (not necessarily myself) that
have made me decide to voice my struggle and do my part to erase the stigma associated with mental illness. The quality I
have seen with many of these people in my forays at institutions is a magnified sensitivity. I will elaborate more on this
cuz that was kind of vague, but this entry is already becoming long. I myself have been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder.
Luckily, there is some money in my family and I have received the best treatment money can buy. Except for one time when I was
sent to a ward for the criminally insane (see they have a separate name for this type of insane) so yeah these people did have a violent
past. In a nutshell, I hope that maybe I can help some people out who suffer with mental illness. I have always found if I am
in a deep, long depression the best thing i can do to help me feel better is 1) play with a dog and 2) read about someones
experience. So I figured I would return the favor. I've been through the ringer and I have developed some great coping strategies.
Of course, this blog will inculde other topics like poker (particularly the sng grinder life-as you can see from the quote up there
I'm really fucking good) so some poker advice, commentary on things that annoy me, my life has been one giant shattered piece
of glass and a trail of incinerated bridges, so auto biographical material as well, and just updates on my life. It will be a good blog.
I promise.
-duval76
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