In regards to the sleep paralysis I never really researched it until it happened six months ago and I only read up on it on wikipedia since it happens so rarely. So I decided to youtube it and it's a little weird other people mention the old lady as well in a ghostly vision. So here is the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPMUz8RAjks&feature=related
I suggest if anyone has this experience with the old maid - don't look at her. Just close your eyes and she will go away. On saturday I saw the flower apron,very old and torn and I did not care to look up at the face. Just closed my eyes.
weird, it didn't scare me, just got the sense of a very negative energy and a malicious presence.
If I saw a face or she rushed at me I might have been a little freaked out. But luckily I wasn't fully aware.
I'm gonna have to watch all 5 parts now.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
a bamboo horizon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGPPDV8wBOQ
Why have I decided to Isolate from the world? I have chosen to live a lonely life. Really, i am a
loser by choice. For a while now I have made excuses to not hang out with people when they
have asked if i want to go here or there. You know, people who I have been in contact with
recently I have been pleasant and amiable with them, but kep them at arm's length. Just the
other day i was at my group (this is a dual diagnosis group I go to) and a good looking woman asked if i would like to go for coffee. I said i was a little to busy of late. I laughed a little to myself after that one. And a couple people from work asked if I would like to go out for drinks,
i declined and mumbled something about my mother I think.
But yeah, it seems like wherever I go and the new people I meet, they seem to like me, after all I am an amiable fellow and treat people with respect, but I just prefer to spen my down time alone.There are of course many people I hold in contempt. Those who do not understand sarcasm or if I am putting on a persona (this happens often if I choose to participate in online forum, but even in real life. See the persona I put on is actually me mocking the uglier
side, the underbelly of the human spectrum. I don't know how people go through life without a sense of humor. And if you can't wrap your mind around a multi-layered critique of humanity then I shall avoid you like the plague. So except for the snus forum (i have
been off cigarettes for about 4 or 5 months.
Still snusing. I post on the snus forum where I am well liked every now and then, but havegiven up posting on other internet forums. There really is a whole lot of negative enrgy and cynism when people get on their computers.Got a week ahead of me and I must put in more hours playing poker. This is the thing that may keep me from ever going pro, putting in the hours. Having the discipline to put in the hours. And poker is hard work. I have given the impression through my entries that this is easy money. From $2 to $50 to $500 and now over $2000. During this process I had a 40 buyin downswing and a month long break even strecth that began to eat away at my soul. I was able to recover though as I knew I would. I do not get emotionally involved in the game. I really don't to high when I lose or to down when I win. OOps, vice versa .. I have
learned the art of detaching. While a losing streak or break even stretch may leave me somewhat frustrated it is nothing really. yo mam...
But yeah, i gotta play more.This weekend I just watched some of the ncaa tournament games, slept, and drank. Pretty boring life actually that's why this blog might not work out. Hope everyone had a nice weekend. I could have gone to dinner with my brother who I rarely see on saturday night, but I declined of course.
Sometimes I get sleep paralysis. THis happens once or month or so and it happened to me after a nap on saturday. I am always in a half-awake state and rarely I will see things. This is not a psychiatric problem, but some people do hallucinate during sleep paralysis and this time I saw this old woman in a flower apron by the bed. Just got this decaying kind of negative feeling from her. this will happen twice or so a year. This presence and visual hallucination. It's always a sapping experience and the last time it was six months ago. Again after a nap in a half awake state I fell asleep on the couch and awoke to a women in the kitchen in a very tattered , threadbare dress that seemed was buried in the earth for 200 years. I always see kind of a faint image, and feel it would become clearer if I don't close my eyes tight as the image materializes. Kind of weird, but it is no episode or anything, just a byproduct of sleep paralysis. Some people in different cultures believe this a visit from an evil spirit draining my energy. Who knows maybe it is. I don't really care all that much either way as long as they don't do it too often.
Whatchya gone and do?
that's about all for now.
I hope you enjoyed chopin! (the link above)
loser by choice. For a while now I have made excuses to not hang out with people when they
have asked if i want to go here or there. You know, people who I have been in contact with
recently I have been pleasant and amiable with them, but kep them at arm's length. Just the
other day i was at my group (this is a dual diagnosis group I go to) and a good looking woman asked if i would like to go for coffee. I said i was a little to busy of late. I laughed a little to myself after that one. And a couple people from work asked if I would like to go out for drinks,
i declined and mumbled something about my mother I think.
But yeah, it seems like wherever I go and the new people I meet, they seem to like me, after all I am an amiable fellow and treat people with respect, but I just prefer to spen my down time alone.There are of course many people I hold in contempt. Those who do not understand sarcasm or if I am putting on a persona (this happens often if I choose to participate in online forum, but even in real life. See the persona I put on is actually me mocking the uglier
side, the underbelly of the human spectrum. I don't know how people go through life without a sense of humor. And if you can't wrap your mind around a multi-layered critique of humanity then I shall avoid you like the plague. So except for the snus forum (i have
been off cigarettes for about 4 or 5 months.
Still snusing. I post on the snus forum where I am well liked every now and then, but havegiven up posting on other internet forums. There really is a whole lot of negative enrgy and cynism when people get on their computers.Got a week ahead of me and I must put in more hours playing poker. This is the thing that may keep me from ever going pro, putting in the hours. Having the discipline to put in the hours. And poker is hard work. I have given the impression through my entries that this is easy money. From $2 to $50 to $500 and now over $2000. During this process I had a 40 buyin downswing and a month long break even strecth that began to eat away at my soul. I was able to recover though as I knew I would. I do not get emotionally involved in the game. I really don't to high when I lose or to down when I win. OOps, vice versa .. I have
learned the art of detaching. While a losing streak or break even stretch may leave me somewhat frustrated it is nothing really. yo mam...
But yeah, i gotta play more.This weekend I just watched some of the ncaa tournament games, slept, and drank. Pretty boring life actually that's why this blog might not work out. Hope everyone had a nice weekend. I could have gone to dinner with my brother who I rarely see on saturday night, but I declined of course.
Sometimes I get sleep paralysis. THis happens once or month or so and it happened to me after a nap on saturday. I am always in a half-awake state and rarely I will see things. This is not a psychiatric problem, but some people do hallucinate during sleep paralysis and this time I saw this old woman in a flower apron by the bed. Just got this decaying kind of negative feeling from her. this will happen twice or so a year. This presence and visual hallucination. It's always a sapping experience and the last time it was six months ago. Again after a nap in a half awake state I fell asleep on the couch and awoke to a women in the kitchen in a very tattered , threadbare dress that seemed was buried in the earth for 200 years. I always see kind of a faint image, and feel it would become clearer if I don't close my eyes tight as the image materializes. Kind of weird, but it is no episode or anything, just a byproduct of sleep paralysis. Some people in different cultures believe this a visit from an evil spirit draining my energy. Who knows maybe it is. I don't really care all that much either way as long as they don't do it too often.
Whatchya gone and do?
that's about all for now.
I hope you enjoyed chopin! (the link above)
Friday, March 13, 2009
the beehive
Here's the song of the month
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-ITv4OBV9c
book of the month I'll start doing too.
confederacy of dunces-john kennedy toole (funniest book I have ever read)
I wrote up a long entry but it didn't make any sense so I deleted it. I was having a bad day and it was really depressing too. I have recently turned 30 and that was getting me down. I have moved up to the $20 sngs as my bankroll has passed $2000. I always wait for 100 buy ins. Had a really good few weeks at the tables and got $150 for finishing 5th in the weekly sng leaderboard and also b/c of that got an entry into a monthly shootout.
I said in an earlier entry i would give poker advice and here is some non-specific advice. Play friday and saturday nights if you have nothing else going on.. If you play between 10pm-2am est. time you will find a lot of drunk recreational players spewing chips. I also said I hadn't noticed a dip in my ROI 8-tabling, but that was a stupid thing to say as I for funhad a smaple size of like 50 games. It takes 500 or so games to get a true ROI. Most knowledgable sng players say it takes more than that, but 500 is enough imo. Also, please don't play drunk yourself. 2 or 3 drinks is fine, in fact tight players may notice some improvement in their game after a couple drinks, but don't play drunk. I have been guilty of this and have on more than one occasion puked while playing which is no fun at all. Passed out a few times too and awoke in my chair with the site still on and forfettied money.
Trying to figure what exactly I am going to do with this blog. I might sports bets picks. I do pretty well betting on sports and I figure it would be a nice thing to do for my readers- as a reward for reading my blog. Now, I only bet for fun, just play money because betting on sports online is illegal. I certainly don't encourage you to bet real money.
While we are on sports, my basketball team, the Boston Celtics are the best team in the NBA. They have taken a small dip in the overall standings and have the third best record in the NBA, but they are the best team. They took this dive b/c they haven't had Garnett and their point guard Rondo. Rondo is a hugely underated player imo. He has such court awareness and quick hands. He is the best point guard in the NBA. He can rebound too. So i am not worried about the celtics.
Still working at my unglamorous job mopping floors and such and actually don't feel so bad about it with the economy and all. They interviewed 5 people for the job and picked me so that's a confidence booster. Who knows how many resumes they got. My worst job was as i sadi picking trash. To be more specific this was a recycling facility up in Vermont. All the recyclbels picked up by thge trucks got dumped here. The glass went in one area, but everything else had to be manually sorted and thrown into their appropraite places. It was all just dumped on conveyor belts and I and other people frantically picked and sorted in a line. Wow did that job suck and I was only paid $7.25/hour. So this new job I have is a step up from that I guess.
My cat runs with mice is doing great. I think she's happy to be here and not in the streets or in a cage. For a society to function properly we need it just. That's what I was getting at in my previous post. Unless some kid in the inner city is really book smart and scores well on sAT and super motivated they have no chance in a shitty school. There are plenty of kids who are not as bright going to better colleges, b/c as I said a C is like an A at a good high school. That's how colleges look at it. So when you pay your taxes and or complain about "free handouts" keep that in mind. Then of course there is the cost of college which is another unjust thing. See I realize this b/c I don't have a college degree. A college degree gets your foot in the door for high paying jobs for the most part. So then they are criticed and unfairly prosecuted for selling some pot to make ends meat. No wonder there is so much anger in some of these kids. They are living in one of the wealthiest countries in human history, but they are left out and shat upon.
This isn't just a white black things it's a rich poor thing. Basically, we need to give equal oppurtunity, but there is no easy way to fix this. The wealthy paying more of a percentage in taxes is one way and you shouldn't bitch about it. I remember when Obama was running in the general election and I heard these republican talking heads ranting about Obama that liberal wants to raise taxes on your hard earned money! Well, that's n ot true. It was only for people making over 200grand or something. There are some real shameless people out there and they tend to appear on TV a lot and are attracted to politics. Then these same people want to tell my I can't play online poker. When it is a signifacnt portion of my income? But you can bet on lotteries on line. And the ponies (a rich mans gambling habits). Gfet the fuck out of here.
I just want to thank everyone for reading my blog. Feel free to comment. I had a bad week last week and depression was creeping in. Here's one thing I do when I'm feeling depressed. I put on Chopin (a piano composer) or some other elaborate form of music and I dim the lights and lay in bed. The peaks and flow of the music are like life. The good times and the bad. For people with menatl illness these are magnified. And I just lsiten to the msuic and when the tempo slows and the notes are lower i say OK, that is where I am right now. And then I say it will pass and the msuci will become faster with higher tones, and there will be happier days. The msuic is calming and too and it is intricate and complex like life. Thats one thing that helps me.
That magnification of feelings thats the thing I've noticed with many people with mental illness. When people talk about the dulling effect of some psych meds and how that is a downside. Well, some people need this. The alternative is owrse. Basically, what I'm saying is if you haven't suffered from a mental illness or educated in the matter, don't be so quick to judge. Walk a mile in someon's shoes. It's an old idiom, but as all old idiom's it needs to be pounded into people's heads. Timeless wisdom.
until next time this is duval76
over and out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-ITv4OBV9c
book of the month I'll start doing too.
confederacy of dunces-john kennedy toole (funniest book I have ever read)
I wrote up a long entry but it didn't make any sense so I deleted it. I was having a bad day and it was really depressing too. I have recently turned 30 and that was getting me down. I have moved up to the $20 sngs as my bankroll has passed $2000. I always wait for 100 buy ins. Had a really good few weeks at the tables and got $150 for finishing 5th in the weekly sng leaderboard and also b/c of that got an entry into a monthly shootout.
I said in an earlier entry i would give poker advice and here is some non-specific advice. Play friday and saturday nights if you have nothing else going on.. If you play between 10pm-2am est. time you will find a lot of drunk recreational players spewing chips. I also said I hadn't noticed a dip in my ROI 8-tabling, but that was a stupid thing to say as I for funhad a smaple size of like 50 games. It takes 500 or so games to get a true ROI. Most knowledgable sng players say it takes more than that, but 500 is enough imo. Also, please don't play drunk yourself. 2 or 3 drinks is fine, in fact tight players may notice some improvement in their game after a couple drinks, but don't play drunk. I have been guilty of this and have on more than one occasion puked while playing which is no fun at all. Passed out a few times too and awoke in my chair with the site still on and forfettied money.
Trying to figure what exactly I am going to do with this blog. I might sports bets picks. I do pretty well betting on sports and I figure it would be a nice thing to do for my readers- as a reward for reading my blog. Now, I only bet for fun, just play money because betting on sports online is illegal. I certainly don't encourage you to bet real money.
While we are on sports, my basketball team, the Boston Celtics are the best team in the NBA. They have taken a small dip in the overall standings and have the third best record in the NBA, but they are the best team. They took this dive b/c they haven't had Garnett and their point guard Rondo. Rondo is a hugely underated player imo. He has such court awareness and quick hands. He is the best point guard in the NBA. He can rebound too. So i am not worried about the celtics.
Still working at my unglamorous job mopping floors and such and actually don't feel so bad about it with the economy and all. They interviewed 5 people for the job and picked me so that's a confidence booster. Who knows how many resumes they got. My worst job was as i sadi picking trash. To be more specific this was a recycling facility up in Vermont. All the recyclbels picked up by thge trucks got dumped here. The glass went in one area, but everything else had to be manually sorted and thrown into their appropraite places. It was all just dumped on conveyor belts and I and other people frantically picked and sorted in a line. Wow did that job suck and I was only paid $7.25/hour. So this new job I have is a step up from that I guess.
My cat runs with mice is doing great. I think she's happy to be here and not in the streets or in a cage. For a society to function properly we need it just. That's what I was getting at in my previous post. Unless some kid in the inner city is really book smart and scores well on sAT and super motivated they have no chance in a shitty school. There are plenty of kids who are not as bright going to better colleges, b/c as I said a C is like an A at a good high school. That's how colleges look at it. So when you pay your taxes and or complain about "free handouts" keep that in mind. Then of course there is the cost of college which is another unjust thing. See I realize this b/c I don't have a college degree. A college degree gets your foot in the door for high paying jobs for the most part. So then they are criticed and unfairly prosecuted for selling some pot to make ends meat. No wonder there is so much anger in some of these kids. They are living in one of the wealthiest countries in human history, but they are left out and shat upon.
This isn't just a white black things it's a rich poor thing. Basically, we need to give equal oppurtunity, but there is no easy way to fix this. The wealthy paying more of a percentage in taxes is one way and you shouldn't bitch about it. I remember when Obama was running in the general election and I heard these republican talking heads ranting about Obama that liberal wants to raise taxes on your hard earned money! Well, that's n ot true. It was only for people making over 200grand or something. There are some real shameless people out there and they tend to appear on TV a lot and are attracted to politics. Then these same people want to tell my I can't play online poker. When it is a signifacnt portion of my income? But you can bet on lotteries on line. And the ponies (a rich mans gambling habits). Gfet the fuck out of here.
I just want to thank everyone for reading my blog. Feel free to comment. I had a bad week last week and depression was creeping in. Here's one thing I do when I'm feeling depressed. I put on Chopin (a piano composer) or some other elaborate form of music and I dim the lights and lay in bed. The peaks and flow of the music are like life. The good times and the bad. For people with menatl illness these are magnified. And I just lsiten to the msuic and when the tempo slows and the notes are lower i say OK, that is where I am right now. And then I say it will pass and the msuci will become faster with higher tones, and there will be happier days. The msuic is calming and too and it is intricate and complex like life. Thats one thing that helps me.
That magnification of feelings thats the thing I've noticed with many people with mental illness. When people talk about the dulling effect of some psych meds and how that is a downside. Well, some people need this. The alternative is owrse. Basically, what I'm saying is if you haven't suffered from a mental illness or educated in the matter, don't be so quick to judge. Walk a mile in someon's shoes. It's an old idiom, but as all old idiom's it needs to be pounded into people's heads. Timeless wisdom.
until next time this is duval76
over and out.
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